Trying to explain to you the bevy of emotions that have been circulating in my mind and heart might just be impossible.
Returning to St. Cloud after saying good-bye at the end of April has been paralyzing for me - literally. Most of the difficulties we have encountered I have been prepared for and prayed up for....in short, I expected them. So it comes to me as a complete surprise that I have been home for 5 days and have found myself unable to connect with friends and church family that I have to say good-bye to in 13 days. I have tried, but it's as if I am physically unable to make the first step.
We had plans to have a special lunch date with our pastor, a girls' night out, kid's baptism, running club (not to run of course, but to hang out with the buds), and to make stops at all of our friend's homes to hug their necks. None of it has happened!! All I can say is that I am sorry. I wasn't joshing you when I said I have been virtually paralyzed.
I guess I'm not the rock that I thought I was. It's ironic because last week I was amazed at how well I had been handeling all of this and this week I have realized that I am not as tough as I think I am sometimes. I have limitations and unexpected setbacks. I'm only as strong as God allows me to be!
God has called me to a life of transparency so I just wanted to honestly share my heart with you....it's not all happy, happy, joy, joy 24/7. I do take refuge in the Lord. However, right now I am grieving and struggling to reconnect with this life we left 9 weeks ago. Normal? Healthy? Selfish? I dunno.......
Our Phamily 2014
Phamilyof6 in Lima - 2008
Me and hubby in Lima
Avery's 4th birthday
Baby Miles - 6 months
My hubby, John and Jaxson
Goofy Jaxson
Parker and my beloved cousin, Christopher
Our very first Phamilyof7 photo
Allyson (Ally) Paige Pham, 8
Miles, Ally and Mommy
John and the Oasis Church Plant
Gosen - where we work
2 comments:
I totally understand, but I hope you become "unparalyzed" if that's a word b/c I'm just a smidgin excited about seein'ya! But you do what you have to do and we'll all understand. It's been like that for me with the last 2 houses I've lived in. I thought I would drive by frequently to see the house and go see the neighbors who were all good friends and go play at the park down the street, but I coulnd't do it. It was just too hard. So I completely sympathize.
Hi!! We totally know what you are going through. Hang in there. These will be the toughest days. They were for us at least. God will give you strength. Remember your call and lean on Him. He is strong. You can lean as hard as you want on our awesome God!!
Love,
The Ostertag's in Costa Rica
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