Confessions of a Runner

About 5 years ago, after I had birthed 2 babies in 18 months, I decided I needed an outlet; not to get away from my family or anything, but something to help me relieve tension. I decided I would run. I couldn't even walk to the end of my street without searching for an inhaler, but I was determined that running could be my thing. Get the endorphins going, lose some baby weight, set some personal goals. Perfect! I'll do it.

I walked for 6 weeks before I ever ran my first mile. The first time I walked 4 miles, my backside hurt so bad that even sitting was painful. All this pain from walking! What was running going to do to me? Alas, I ran my first mile, since puberty, on Thanksgiving Day 2002. Okay, so maybe it was more like shuffling, but my feet were steadily moving one in front of another and I did manage to get to the mile point before I collapsed on my hands and knees. And the dry-heaves didn’t last very long. And so what if I had to walk back. I made it there, right?

One mile soon turned into 10, 10 into 20, 20 into 3 marathons, then 100's of 5k's, and 1000's of miles logged. 5 years, millions of calories and 2 knee surgeries later, I am typing a blog about the one thing I can't do - running.

Even as I have been bed-ridden for 4 days, recovering from a knee surgery that was pretty much self-inflicted because of my running passion, I am wondering why I am still dreaming about the day that I can lace up again. Seriously, I have this recurring dream that I finish running 1 mile pain-free and then I stop. I decide not to go any further just in case it hurts. And my friend, Kitty, is always there cheering me on. She is a cheerleader, you know? Okay, not like a cheerleader who does cart-wheels, splits and spirit-fingers; of course, she would if I asked her too and if she wasn't 9 months pregnant. She is quite the encourager. She is also a runner. A very fast runner.

So I have this dream and I wake up totally euphoric. Even though it's only a dream, at least I ran. Dear friends, what in the world is my problem? I am sitting here with a bum leg from RUNNING and if I could do anything in the next hour, guess what it would be? RUNNING! How ridiculous is my thought process? If something is obviously hurting you, then you should stop doing it right? NOPE - not if you're a runner.

All jokes aside, God has used the last 9 months to show me that running is not the end all, be all in life. Although it does get the endorphins going, keeps me fit, competitive, goal-oriented and sane, it is NOT everything to me. Although at one time it probably became that - I say that ashamedly. God has taught me through this trial, that it is totally OKAY to love running. It's fine! It's great! No problem; as long as I don't love it more than I LOVE HIM. That is the problem I got myself into. Once again, hard to admit. But why not throw it out there because God knows anyway?

So my running journey has brought me to a place of realizing that I am not just Jessica, the runner. Although you can always attach runner to my name and I'd be very happy to see that. Most importantly, I am Jessica, God's Girl. I am Jessica, the missionary. I am Jessica, the wife of an amazing husband, John. I am Jessica, the mother of 4 cuties! I am, starting tomorrow, Jessica, the language student. I am many things that have NOTHING to do with running. Hard to believe! It’s only taken me about a full year to grasp the concept of my identity outside of running. All the things that I AM cannot be taken away from me like running can or like running has been. I will, no matter what, always belong to my beloved, Christ! That will never change. It's an everyday guarantee! Running is not!

My dreams about running will probably continue and there is no harm in that. They bring me immense joy and I do long for the day that my feet can be nestled all snuggly in my Asics as I take a nice, slow jog through San Jose - breathing in the fumes and dodging cars. But my reality has brought me something much better than any running dream can - the realization that I am God's and He is mine.

Now that is something worth dreaming about!

Solomon 6:3 “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.”